I thought long and hard if I would do this post. I’m a pretty private person and I don’t let my guard down so easily. So talking about really personal things are quite difficult for me, especially ones I’m still on.
But this has been what I’ve been working on for the past months and this is the reality. This is what life is for me right now. We are trying to get pregnant. It’s the reason for so many things, why I have decided to take care of my body more; why I have been MIA and have become so busy; and so much more. Trying to conceive, is what I’ve been focusing on other than my daily life and taking care of Robyn.
https://world.wng.org/sites/default/files/styles/article_hero/public/field/image/lifestyle11a.png?itok=XuH7aImm
Why we waited?
I guess so many people will ask why we waited this long to try again for another child. Honestly, we wanted to make sure that both my husband and I were prepared to do everything over again. But let me focus on my own reasons.
Mom to Robyn
Ever since giving birth to Robyn, I already knew that I wanted to be a hands on mom. We never hired a nanny/yaya and we’re most of the time together 24/7. I saw every little thing, her first smile, first time she crawled, every single step she made. So I knew that I wanted to make sure that I have given her my all, my 100% before having another baby. This meant that I wanted to wait til Robyn starts school and is already more independent. This way I’d be able to focus my attention to the second child when Robyn is in school. I also thought that if Robyn’s already in school, she’d be more mature to handle having a sibling. (Although to be honest, Robyn is quite mature and can understand a lot of complicated things and situations). I felt that my role as her mother will somehow be fulfilled.
Independence
I breastfed Robyn till she was 3 yrs 2 months. This meant that I was on call for 3 years. I couldn’t really be away from her for a long time because she would look for me, either because of hunger or comfort. When she turned 4 and have started school, that’s the only time I started to feel my independence. At long last, I was free. I had some free time that I could focus on myself. And I wanted it, I needed it. These pocket of me times are so sacred for me. Time to clear my head and do be able to do something that I could focus on 100%.
Family Dyanmic
Another factor why it took awhile is my fear of changing our family dynamic. My husband has gone through, what I would say, is Postpartum Depression for dads. Maybe not the extreme as others, but it was a roller coaster ride when Robyn was born. As Robyn started growing, everything just improved. I love our dynamic now as it is. There are times I am the referee for the two. H and Ro have pretty similar personalities. So you can just imagine when both of them are moody, well… hide. But more often than not, my role has become the glue of the family. And as I said, I love how it is now and I’m afraid how it will turn out if we add another kid in the mix.
Money Matters
One thing people forget is that it’s costly to have kids. The cost of living is different now than before. Tuition fee itself can cost you an arm and leg, not to mention your everyday expenses. We’ve been focusing on growing our business, adding more and looking for good investments. This is to secure our family’s future and also to make sure that we have a good enough cushion for emergencies. H is very responsible. He never spends a dime if he knows he doesn’t have money to pay for it. He pays in full because he doesn’t want to owe anybody anything. I, on the other hand, am a planner and quite OC. I’m what they call a segurista. I make plans, short and long term and I carefully make sure that these things happen without a hitch, or very minimal changes.
Those are the main reasons why we waited to have another kid. We wanted to make sure that our family now (the three of us) are okay in every aspect. We also made sure that both my husband and I are ready. There was a time I felt that I was ready, I knew I could take on an additional role. But my husband wasn’t. Thing is, I have always thought that both parties should be on the same page before actually opening another chapter. In the end, it’s the two of you who are going to be on that experience.
So what now?
As I have said, we are now in the process of trying for baby #2. It hasn’t been easy. It took awhile for me to get pregnant with Robyn, because I have PCOS. (I only learned about it when we started trying to conceive and my God, did that surprise me.) (I just learned recently that it’s genetics and it runs in the family.) So I knew that trying for another one would take time as well. But for some reason, I also thought that maybe this time it will be different. Maybe because I was able to give birth already, it would somehow be faster. That thought proved to be wrong.
It’s been a long journey but we still haven’t given up. So many things have gone through my mind; so many questions, so many heart aches. It’s never easy to admit that you’re battling infertility- especially when I have been pregnant before. Even now as I type this, I can’t help but cry. How is that possible? H has been nothing but supportive. Going with me to my check ups, doing whatever I ask him and making sure that all the stress from work, he will handle. He’s been working so hard for the family. And I, on the other hand, just have to try and have this baby.
I feel guilty. I feel useless and I feel frustrated most of the time. I couldn’t contain my tears when I went for a checkup with our OBGyn one day, because she said everything that I was feeling. I couldn’t understand why I still can’t conceive when I’ve been doing everything that I have been asked to do.
My husband has never pressured me, looked down on me and questioned me. But I question myself. I pressure myself and look down on myself. One thing I have to do, and I still can’t do it. H said it’s not in our power anymore. And I understand that. God is the only one who knows what our future holds. It’s just that I was raised to believe that if you do something, there’s an equal reaction. If there’s an exam, all you have to do is study very well and you will ace it. But this life exam is different. As much as I study, as much as I practice, God is the only one who knows the answers.
http://insidebusinessonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/infertility-in-women-655×353.jpg
People unknowingly keep asking us why we still don’t have another one. Before, I would get irritated. But now, I understand that they have no idea what we’re going through. They’re innocent to our experience and sometimes it’s just for small talk.
This journey has tested my faith. I’ve asked God so many times, why. We’re ready, we’re able, but why? I felt that it was so unfair. But then I remember other couples who have been trying, but hasn’t gotten pregnant. I remember couples who don’t have a child, even one. I remember families who have lost their children, their babies. Who am I to question God? All I can really do is pray and to be patient.
The light through it all is Robyn. I realized how lucky I am that I have her. Inspite my problems, I have a daughter. And not just any daughter, I have Robyn. I can’t ask for a better first born or only child. She has brought so much joy to the family. And if I can’t have anymore and only have one, I’m glad that it’s Robyn.
Typing this brings so much emotions in front. Feelings I don’t open up even to my family and even to my closest friends. But I hope this also opens up your eyes to be more sensitive. We don’t know what others are going through, what they’re feeling and what their experiences are. So just be respectful and sensitive.
To those who are on the same boat as me, I feel you. It’s difficult when you feel like you’re able and willing but still haven’t been blessed. But as I learned from this journey, we don’t hold the answers. We don’t hold the future. As much as I plan my life, as much as I give schedules to every part of our future, this is something that only God can plan for us.
The reason why I got the courage to make this post is because I learned that I am not alone. So many other women, other couples, are on the same journey. I think this sends a powerful message and knowing this, that I am not alone, somehow gives me peace and I hope it does to you too.
0 comments